Musings by Shar

You are a reminder to me of the good that possible. And the feelings of unrequited love at its truest form. Of sharing myself with you. Of you sharing yourself with me. How I wonder what that day would have felt like if we had .. if we had felt each other .. naked and vulnerable.  

I am thinking about what it would be like to see you. Sit opposite from you. Catch-up. What a foolish thought on my part. 

This is the song .. a reminder of what could have been. A moment that was. 

I think back to when we used to spend hours on the phone. To a time when we almost.  I kept the same number all these years hoping that one day you would call.  “Hello”

So .. as I am sitting in this hospital waiting room, I have plenty of time to think and capture some thoughts I want to share with you. I could promise you so many things, but none of that seems important right now. I know you are scared and there are so many unknowns with us which is very understandable. I am scared because there is so much I want to say, but even I don’t have enough words right now. For me, all I know is that what is important to me is your happiness, even if it means potentially not having you in my life or being one of the reasons for that happy. It would suck, but I figure, I would get over it with time… I think. You would be ‘the one that got away’ … heck, you kind of are.  In time, I hope you get to find out how much I could love you and cherish the moments we share, as we build our life together and create a home filled with laughter, love and small humans that look up to us. I promise I would fight for us and choose us everyday, because we deserve this mom...

I cannot recount the number of times I have Googled your name to find out if life has been kind to you. I was not disappointed about what I learned because in my heart, I always wanted whatever was best. You sound happy. You look like the provider, protector and professor. I keep my finger on the pulse, because I do hope that one day soon, we can sit down and talk like we haven't lost time even if it has been close to 10 years.  Over the years, I have had to make peace with the fact that saving you meant losing a piece of me. When I think about that question your fiancée, now wife and mother to your children, asked me, "did you have sex with him?", I  knew then that my decision to hold back on both accounts we met in hotel rooms was the best decision I didn't know I was making, because it held so much weight in the end. I didn't have to lie for you.  In that moment, we both stood in truth, despite all that was crashing around me. I am haunted by it because I wante...