I Googled...You

I cannot recount the number of times I have Googled your name to find out if life has been kind to you. I was not disappointed about what I learned because in my heart, I always wanted whatever was best. You sound happy. You look like the provider, protector and professor. I keep my finger on the pulse, because I do hope that one day soon, we can sit down and talk like we haven't lost time even if it has been close to 10 years. 

Over the years, I have had to make peace with the fact that saving you meant losing a piece of me. When I think about that question your fiancée, now wife and mother to your children, asked me, "did you have sex with him?", I  knew then that my decision to hold back on both accounts we met in hotel rooms was the best decision I didn't know I was making, because it held so much weight in the end. I didn't have to lie for you.  In that moment, we both stood in truth, despite all that was crashing around me. I am haunted by it because I wanted so much more. 

As life moves on, and I am sitting here reminiscing about you, I hope that time and life has been kind to you. I learned with you that love is a big move, and when it happens, grab it and hold it tight. Build it up and make sure that it burns bright and keeps you warm. And if it doesn't, it's also okay to let it go. 

I miss what I didn't have with you but I am okay. A little fractured, forever changed, but okay.