Musings by Shar

It’s a feeling I can’t really explain yet; nor do I know how to put it into words exactly. I have just been feeling like this for a few days now … like an emptiness that is slowly taking over my life without my being able to stop it. My incapability though (I feel) may be my subconscious self stopping me from stopping this overwhelming feeling. It feels like frustration, anger, sadness and a desperate plea for isolation from all things talking that I know and may be close to giving into. I guess with the first real chapter of my life about to come to close, these feelings may be somewhat normal, but I can’t really understand why. This is what I have been working towards and been sweating for and now that it has happened or is happening, it feels like I’m losing all hold on life. Is it wrong of me to want to rewind time for a little bit and just enjoy the chapter in slow motion? As one chapter is about to end though, I wanted to put this down on paper. I had an epiphany...

Growth.  I had finally realized that the girl I loved didn’t love me back. She didn’t feel for me what I had felt for her for so long; or if she did, she did a really good job of hiding it. I needed to grow, to understand that sometimes no matter how much you love something you have to let it go. It’s impossible to will anything into existence, and as I quickly learnt; not even love is an exception. It’s hard to fully accept the confines of a hard decision sometimes; it’s easy to think that a little extra push might be all that is missing. Maybe she'll realize how much I’ve changed, maybe a funnier joke, maybe if I listened more... but reality sets in. For the longest time I had gone around preaching how much I had changed, how I was a different man. Grown up, mature, wiser and a bit more knowledgeable. But as I let go I learnt even more lessons about life and true growth. Understanding that in life letting go is not giving up, choosing to find our own happines...