Strange Feelings

It’s a feeling I can’t really explain yet; nor do I know how to put it into words exactly. I have just been feeling like this for a few days now … like an emptiness that is slowly taking over my life without my being able to stop it. My incapability though (I feel) may be my subconscious self stopping me from stopping this overwhelming feeling. It feels like frustration, anger, sadness and a desperate plea for isolation from all things talking that I know and may be close to giving into.

I guess with the first real chapter of my life about to come to close, these feelings may be somewhat normal, but I can’t really understand why. This is what I have been working towards and been sweating for and now that it has happened or is happening, it feels like I’m losing all hold on life. Is it wrong of me to want to rewind time for a little bit and just enjoy the chapter in slow motion?

As one chapter is about to end though, I wanted to put this down on paper. I had an epiphany or something close to it where I closed one book altogether after a fateful intimate encounter led me to the realization - that it takes a lot to hate and begrudge, and that it is wasted energy on someone who really doesn’t give two shits. Acceptance of what had passed put me in a better place mentally.

When I started this blog, I had been hurt in the most hurtful way and I thought nothing would ever happen to me that would get me out of that slump. So, as the hurting kept coming and the ramblings kept taking place with whoever would listen, I decided that instead of spending hours on the phone, I would just write it out and see if that made me feel better. And it did. Because for once, I didn’t have to pretend to my friends or family that I was okay when I was really hurting, and holding onto dear life to stay afloat. So my writing helped me deal and it continues to do so. And if they decided they wanted to read it, then at least they could and not ask me questions about it because I feel that I would have put it into words that expains everything going around in my head. That is what I think anyway.

So, getting back to the epiphany after my fateful encounter, I decided that I was ready to start forgiving and moving on because time was moving and I needed to move on with it. And that hurtful encounter was something that I needed to get over and start dealing with sooner rather than later because he was such an instrumental and fundamental part in my life for so long that I hadn’t really dealt with it. I couldn’t call him (even though I had tried) so I emailed him to call me and he did. When I picked up, despite my daze (it being 5:30AM) I still was able to figure out who it was and it was surreal. It was like I wanted to open my mouth and say things regarding how much I had missed him and ask how he had been, but I couldn’t really bring myself to do that. So instead, I kept all focus at that time of the morning and told him the reason why I had asked him to call me.

“I’m OK with it” is all I had to say and he knew what I meant.

I was opening myself to forgiveness for what he had done and accepting that this is how things had to be from now in. And I learned all this from my stupid encounter with a guy who is not worth my whole self or even a little bit of me.

Little boy - it was so easy for me to forgive him because I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong and because of it, while the stupid rumours about me were going around – after he had started them – I was still okay with it because he knew he would never get what he wanted, and in a way he thought that I would cave in because people were talking about me. But I didn’t. Instead, I joked about it with him and laughed my ass off because it was funny – especially since he was the one who had started the lies. So, basically, while I was able to forgive him for starting those lies about me, I started to think about what was going on with my life and with the pending changes about to take place, I started to recollect the grudges I still had and he (knight with blemished armour) was one that I really needed to deal with in order to fully say that I was ready to move forward with everything and to completely shut that door even though it was shut when the friendship was lost. So I did. I forgave and moved on and I didn’t break into ramblings of sincerity and heart-wrenching goodbyes of lost love. It was quick and swift and lasted all of five minutes (if not less).

So now that all that stuff has happened, and I am ready to move on from moving on with my relocating to a new area code, why am I feeling like this?! I can’t make sense of it and I don’t know why. I feel like I am missing something or in the process of losing something and I can’t hold onto it because I don’t really know what it is. I don’t know what exactly I am trying to fight for and I feel that time is running out before I figure it out. It feels like “limbo” for some reason because I don’t know where I belong right now and since no one really knows what limbo feels like, I feel that how I am feeling right now is a perfect definition of it.

What I learned from this is that accepting an apology so long ago given is the best way to move forward in life. It might be hard at the time but once you do, you are able to move on in your life. You realize that it was the one thing holding you back from doing what you wanted in a way that was liberating. So, the lesson learned is that  Acceptance is the key to moving in.