Bring on the Wonder

I am at a point where I have to decide what's next in my life. I have reached that critical point now within this growth process which has been somewhat of a roller coaster with a little help and push from a few friends but definitely without God and my own persistence and determination, I wouldn't have been able to get this far. But now what?!

I've slowly re-introduced myself into the dating world once again and as liberating as it has been, it has been quite the process. I'm sort of seeing this guy but we haven't had sex yet due to my lack of want (while drive is ever-more present), and his continued persistence, I just still cannot do that or should I say, - get intimate with him in that way. But while everything feels good in the moment, I still can't bring myself to let my pants down.

His kisses have definitely established themselves as some of the best I've had in a long time and they rival some long-standing companions of the past in terms of sensual-ness and passion. He is sweet and he does back down after I have said that, "there won't be any sex tonight" a few times but I do respect his need  and persistence. He is sweet in the manner that he likes to make sure I am comfortable but sometimes I question myself because I feel that the comfort will be short-lived or that I am being led into a false sense of security - why?! Because he is so sweet and he seems to be a "nice guy". This all really comes down to how I perceive "men" to be since my last experiences with the ones I let into my life. Getting too close would mean getting attached, and while I don't believe that each person that you sleep with remains with a little piece of you when you leave, I can't help but think of that notion now. I can't help thinking that if I let this guy in-between my legs and into my most inner core, I am completely leaving a piece of me behind when I leave. (Yes, I'm relocating!!).

Why do I feel this sense of false security that leads me to a decision of not wanting to get intimate with him?! Because for once, he is a sweetheart who I have total control over, as well as the situation and I am not sure how to really take it. I could hurt his feelings but in a way, by hurting him, I feel that I would be hurting myself indirectly because despite what may happen, we were "sort-of friends" first and my friendships are very important to me, especially through this course of life developments within the last five years. I have come to understand who my true friends are. Furthermore, as well as the false sense of security within this tryst - it definitely makes me re-think this situation because to be honest, we never promised anything to each other. Due to the fact that there were no promises made though, I don't think I am doing anything wrong ... despite going on past indiscretions of sleeping with friends that is. We are acquaintances but not close, and since we've known one another, our meetings have had a hidden meaning to them due to the suggestiveness and daring looks shared between him and I. So I don't think I am being wrong for not wanting to have sex with him even though we are acquiantances. I just don't trust him that much to share that part of myself with him despite our various encounters. Therein lies the false sense of security despite feeling "quite comfortable" in his presence. Right?!

Anyway, because I can't see what the future holds and also because I am choosing to live my life in this "carefree" state, should I care that I could hurt this young man or any man who comes my way from here on out? Especially if they fall for me more than I do them? Or if they wear their heart on their sleeve? Where does one draw the line of when to get up and go, and when to stay and fight for an unknown future?

I have come to realize that I hurt like the rest of you. Because of this, I can't be mean to those who hurt me. I just choose to cut them out of my life because it is quick and somewhat painless. That is way easier than having to deal with the hassle of harsh words and regrets of things said or left unsaid. I am trying to protect myself in a way that allows me to get close but not close enough because as I have come to learn, getting too close leads to alot of burning especially if you are the one who gets left behind once the person you thought cared about you moves on. Because I know I have all this control in my life, I can't be reckless.I can't be reckless about the people I choose to associate myself with because if they do not better my life in any way as I do theirs, then they have no businesss being in my life altogether. Most importantly, I have my future to think about right now which includes the people most dear to me. So ... when I do come to wonder and take on what the world has to offer, I have to embrace all the pain, hurt, love, lust and all things that come with being an adult because this is my time. Despite not know what my time holds.