.Olive Juice.
And for me, maybe... just maybe, this is the start of something new...unfamiliar and unknown with no holds barred ... (mostly).
With the fear of the unknown, any woman yearns for the opportunity to have just that one person who is going to walk with them on that path known as "falling in love". No person wants to be caught in a situation where they have to choose between more than one suitor because that shit gets dangerous and ugly. It also becomes so complicated that even you yourself just get tired of even being there. Trust!! You yearn for the chance to love whole-heartedly and be able to give yourself to them without the fear of "what if" in the back of your mind. That is what women constantly dream of no matter how cynical and cautious they may be in the love department and in life. Referring back to my previous post titled, “Can You Stop? …And if you could, Would You?”, after the hurt and lies and that inflict us with so much pain, we still yearn to fall no matter if it is only half-way.
I'm smiling endlessly, sighing continuously and definitely not keeping quiet because I am so happy in my life. I haven't been this happy in such a long time and it is because of a great addition that complements my "oh-so-crazy and quirky" life. Yes ... I can be crazy but within reason. I swear! *chuckles*
Our connection is on a different plateau or level, and I have been able to open myself up to him in a way that I have not been able to in the longest time without the fear of being judged, getting hurt or being betrayed in any way. Having guarded and shielded who I am from a lot of people and always saying "I'm fine" when asked how I was doing is something that I don't have to do with him. He knows when something is wrong and even if I say "I am fine"; he knows that I am not telling him the whole truth. He waits patiently because he knows I will tell him and he just listens without judging me. He is just amazing in every way because he is such a kind soul. He is his own person and he tries to share that with me. He listens to me and tries to help me and he tells me when he is proud of me and when he is not happy (after some pushing). I do have to say though that it does take me a little more to get it out of him because he doesn't "want" to upset me or get me down. But when he shares with me, I feel the opposite of all the negative connotations that he may associate with that notion of sharing with me. I feel that if we can talk about whatever it is that is bothering us - good or bad - then we will be able to talk about anything and everything. Eventually. But right now, we are in a good place. As we are still in the beginning stages of this relationship (YIKES!!!), we are still learning from each other on how to be when we are together, who we are as a couple and how we connect. It's such a great learning and growing process that I can't help feeling fuzzy about all the time. And I can't stop smiling when I think about him.
On a weekend visit, just over two months in (even though I have known him for four and a half months), as we were saying goodbye and doing the couple thing, until our next "not so secret" tryst ... he told me he loved me. And then I froze. Smiled. And didn't say it back. I didn't say it because as much as this relationship is so serious and has become what it is in two and a half months - for me ... I prefer to take the slower roller-coaster on the "love express". I am very cautious about it because when I fall in love, I fall so deep that there is no catching me when that roller coaster starts its descent. I can’t stop it. Am I scared of loving...? That is a good question, and a part of me thinks so just because I don't know if I could love in the right way. Am I scared of falling in love with him...? Hmmm…Yes. No. Maybe. The jury is still out on that because it is so early (I feel) to tell. But is there ever "a right time to fall in love if you ever had a plan?" - I don't think so. The only thing that could happen is that during this trip...if and when I do say those words... it will only mean something deeper and meaningful. And it will only bring us closer. Because that is what love does...right?!
Being honest with myself and my audience, I can see myself falling in love with this man who has only been in my life for a short time. I can see myself being happy with him and choosing to live for "Us" as opposed for "I" and "Me". Because when you love, it definitely stops being about what "You" and "I" want and becomes about "Us" and "We". I could definitely see myself doing this dance with this man. And as much as I am scared, I believe myself to be ready to fall in love when the time is right and in a good place mentally, physically and emotionally after all the stuff I've had to overcome to get to where I am.
So let me explain the title of this post. Hmm … the reason behind the title is something that I recently found out during a lunch date with my boyfriend. He mouthed "Olive Juice" to me of which, if someone does it to you, it kind of looks like they are saying "I love you". That is what he did to me... and I kind of thought that is what he said but I gave him the benefit of the doubt just because I figured I would and to play dumb. In my head, I was thinking "Did he just say what I think he said? ...OHHHHHHHHHHH SHITT!!!!!" *does a lap in head* LOL. But he eventually said those three little words and I froze as I was getting ready to leave as aforementioned. Not because I couldn't or can't say it back, but because I am no rush. The falling process is the fun part...scary, daunting, exhilarating, passionate ... and all things "Cupid". And I am on the cusp of the descent but in no great rush, because love shouldn't be rushed (in my opinion). Each moment should be cherished for what the "falling" process entails and be enriched by both parties because it encapsulates them in a bubble that no one can break (unless they let someone in). As a woman, you would not want to stop this unless you felt that falling would mean something bad. But if it is with someone good, then I don’t think even if you could stop, you would.
I love where I am in my life and I am happy. And I owe a great part of my happiness to myself and being able to get me to where I needed to be to be able to be with someone who cares so much about me, as I care for them. To get to a place where we can be together and be happy. In a much happier state than we are in now.
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