Wild Goose Chase

To be the butt of everyone’s loathing is a skill that is churned into perfection by the hands that yield a false sense of hope and security; and a burden of lifetime regret. Think of this as free advice.

I guess I should have known; and I think subconsciously I did but the thought never came to fruition because the echo of the words so long proclaimed bellowed in my ears. A damn fool I was.

I don’t even know if I have the words all thought out. My jumbled mind makes it had to see or form any thought. The last 108 hours and counting have been but a blur after the beautiful nightmare that became me. That became my existence. That left me scathed at the core – of which I never thought would be possible especially at such a time where the high was so good – too good.

When I think back to the first hour – all I hear is panic, fear and desperation for what one doesn’t want to believe but with mounting evidence, it just proved to be the wreckage you wanted to avoid but had to face; the requiem of lies told and perpetuated… all for what? An idealist reality of what could have been? The need to get your cold feet out of your system while manipulating the situation and lying to more than one person?  The malice, the lies, the betrayal - to that with which you had already sworn yourself to; and the injury the unsuspecting mind witnessed created a dark hole that now fills with hate and disdain for what you – a man of lackluster value created . Despite the blame being evermore present, one must take responsibility for their actions. I do.

I wish I could read minds. Then I could read yours to try to understand exactly why. Why did you do this? Why lie and manipulate and contort all beyond reason for a sweet dream that irrevocably changed into a beautiful nightmare. Why? Can you answer that? “I don’t know. To be honest”. Words mimicked having heard them too many times to count. I shake my head.My mind blown. My mouth speechless. I try to rationalize it all and with no thought unturned, the signs were right there. I just didn’t ask the questions because I thought honesty was what we shared. No.

I think the reputation created out of the lies perpetuated now stands as precedence in the lives of many.

Did you fight for my honor? I doubt it. Did you defend me against the barrage of torments and name calling and such hurtled my way? Offt! Thick skin is now armor especially since having dealt with you. I should not have let my guard down. I trust too much. A fault. A flaw.

I go through as much as I can but what stands out is your voice. The frantic urgency as the words leave your lips. Never will I forget. “Ok”.

I wallow. I breathe. I move forward as time moves. One day at a time. When I think of you, I cry a little. A lot. But I am grateful for the life lesson. Your method of teaching is an art form shunned and applauded by some. I toast to you, the victor in more way than one. Everyone who knew asked me why I choseand continue to choose to keep my mouth shut despite all that I could spit. But I could scarcely fathom the idea of destroying the life he wants. The one he chose.

This wild chase is over. Be still. Awaken to a future unbound. I wish you happiness.