Some Wounds Never Heal

I think when most people look back and reflect on the big changes that affected their lives, they usually think of the happiest moments - like finding love, or giving birth, or an engagement or a wedding. Never so much the bad moments because of the pain suffered - that moulded who they are. Those moments are not thought of much despite being critical. Yet, they are only to make the roster when someone is bathing in their misery - a time that calls for an overload of sadness. The thoughts never make the cut when people thing of the big life-altering moments because they were too painful to face. And while some run away from them, I embrace them because not only did they teach me life lessons, but they have made me into a better person.

I feel as I deal with the cards dealt. I am a better person having known you despite what took place between you and I - not Us. Your resilience taught me to never give up on things dear to my heart, and only to give in when I have met a dead stop with no way out of the situation. And the only way to move on is to reconfigure and create a new situation. This is the only way forward.

With you I learned more about who I was. A dreamer with a burning passion to break free and out of the cocoon I had placed myself in to try to please YOU. I was trying to make you happy, and while I wasn't deceiving myself in what I was feeling, I sure as hell was trying to ignore the signals right in front of me. In the moments we shared, you took me back to that initial place of when we met. When I was the naive young girl you met at a tender age so many years ago who believed all your sweet words; the girl who never had the chance to grow despite my claims, especially when it came to you. I was blinded and you knew how to play the game well, and despite you labelling me as the "player, player", I do believe the title is well-deserved by the hollering dog who failed to see the error of his ways until it was too late. #BangBang

In those moments we shared, I was transported to a place where you could do no wrong - where you had a clean slate and you could paint your canvass ... with me. But what I failed to see at the time, as I reflect on hindsight, is that everything was crystal in front of me. It was so obvious despite the jabber that poured out in between your soft lips. I remember those lips. I was trying to paint on a canvass that had already been completed by someone else with whom you had sworn an oath to - made a promise - to have and to hold.

In hindsight, I see clearly now that the hood of my depression has been lifted. I see that I was a dead woman walking from the moment I agreed to get on that flight. While it was of my own volition, there was no future for you and I because you had already chosen. You had chosen, and I became the "home wrecker" as your ties labelled me. I never had to hold my head high as much as I did with the knife you stuck in my back choking me and killing me softly.

When I think of you now, I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for the man who meant so much to me, and believed in my capabilities even before I believed in myself. I feel sorry for you because you never learned from way back when, that there are some things you can control - and then there are things that no man of body and flesh can control. YOU tried to do the impossible.

What I feel now is something that even I can't find the correct words to explain and define. I gave you the power to break me, and I shouldn't have. I trusted a man who was incapable and not worthy of my heart; my whole being. You left an exit wound that will never properly heal. But in time, as I move on from this, I hope to learn to love again with an unguarded heart and an open mind. For now though, under lock and key is the best solution to rectify the damage done.

I thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson - to let sleeping dogs lie. 

As I move forward, I live with a guarded perception that all people lie, until they can prove their worth. I have learned to not be so trusting, and be cautious in who I let into my life. You showed me the truth about who you are, and from that I took away a valuable lesson.