The Generale

This is the most important thing that got lost in all the transcriptions of hurt and despair. I forgot how we had come to be known to each other - to be so dear to one another.

I missed my best friend and it felt like I had lost a part of me. I tried with all my power to channel the hurt, the betrayal and the confusion into hating and forgetting but it took too much time and all my strength to hate.

Having lost our Father's some years ago, that was our fusing bolt. I was there for him as he was there for me. It was like we were kindred in helping each other through this tough journey and it made sense. We made sense. For the longest time we spoke for hours about nothing ... the day's events, the weather, which boy was making me cry and who was the recent interest. It was like he knew me and I knew him. I guess that is what happens when 2 kids from across the street move across the ocean to a place where they now had to call home and grow up into the persons we see before us. But now we are so far from the people we were then. Who we used to be in that life which almost seems like it's a distant dream. f

I think to myself sometimes that despite being honest with you, it still bit me in the ass. You pushed, and I gave as good as I got and not long after, you made that announcement once again ... that you had a new girlfriend and that you were telling me because you didn't want me to see it on Facebook first. How noble.

After my whirlwind of a trip to see you, and after countless hours of talking, I thought you understood. I didn't want to be rushed into labels, and definitions of what we shared so soon after my previous relationship ended. I told you this and I repeated it so many times because I needed that to be spoken and be heard. And while I didn't want to rush into another relationship, I wanted to take the time to get re-acquainted with you at that level that had brought us together in the first place because you had hurt me before in Realization and Truth and I laid it bare. And while you apologized, that hurt wouldn't just go away over the few nights that we spent in Sydney. It would take time to get back the trust that you had lost, and while I conveyed this to you, it clearly fell on deaf ears because you are now with someone else, and my ask for "time" never really was considered.

Beginning a relationship was based on your time because you felt ready to move on. You didn't even consider the position I was in, nor did you ask me. You hadn't even been single for a long period when I came to visit, but here you were trying to cajole me into saying "yes" to a relationship that we never really thought much into. You pushed and bullied me because even when you called to say hi, the underlying reason for the call was to find out what I had decided on. Yes or No. You never gave me the chance to breathe after having finished with my ex-beau. You never gave me the chance to be completely rid of him so we could pursue a relationship that would be free from all that baggage. So, while I was looking out for us, you weren't looking out for me, because you pushed me to the point of forcing me to say "no", just like I had when you thought it would be wise for you to literally force yourself in-between my legs to the point where I had you in a thigh-vice grip and begging for you to get off me. That was not a nice feeling and saying "no" again, wasn't a nice feeling either. And now, here I am. We aren't.

I hate you for this. We don't speak anymore because I can't do that to myself. I would be lying if I said I was "ok" with everything, so I'd rather not say anything at all for now.