Do Over.

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.” - Nicole Sobon

I lose myself in my thoughts sometimes, and I remember a time when life was simple. It was happy. It was good. But it only lasts a few moments because I am brought back by the painful reminder that where I am now - this torturous and dark place - that I relegated myself to, because of your actions, is my very existence. This is me.

How do you start over when you can't even look into your own reflection?

You gave me a name; had me branded by your very own. I hear it in my head. Whispers around me. "Homewrecker". The scarlett "H" emblazoned; burns deep into my soul... Why?

To understand the anger that is coursing through my veins; and the tears that are chocked back every single time you enter my thoughts - every single time I recall that day would stop someone in their tracks. Would silence them. The incessant calls. And then you called. What did you expect me to say but "OK"? Nothing at all but that could be said after hearing the piercing sound of fear in your voice, and the frantic rushed sounds; the panic. The anxiety of the truth being out and you no longer in control of the situation. You had made your choice before I even answered my phone. I already knew. 

I can't even fathom why you would do it. Why you would lie. I don't understand it. And that's what I want to understand. I want to know ... why? What did you think you would achieve? As a friend - your friend - I gave you advice on how I thought one should deal with such a delicate matter. Advice on how you should deal with this because being with someone who you confessed to me as not "the one"; who you felt you had a "functional" relationship with; and someone who you did not ... feel for was not the right thing to do. You said you wanted out. And that you were done with that chapter in your life. So I gave you advice -based on the information YOU told ME - the words that came out of your mouth. Don't lie I urged you. To her or yourself. Be honest with your heart because you will have to live with this forever. Be honest with her before you hurt someone even more. But I believed my own words more than you heard me say them. I should have taken my own advice. Listened to myself. I could have saved me. 

I was mis-informed from the very beginning. The whole time. Give me the last few years back. 

Engaged: to bind (as oneself) to do something; to bind by a pledge to marry (Webster's definition).

How does one omit that? How do you omit that to your friend? Your best friend ?! (as you so called me). How did you fail to mention that? - which was the most important detail she kindly provided as she questioned just exactly how we knew each other and just how well acquainted we were. *Queue my honest responses*

All you never said was the truth; and I believed the lies you spouted because I trusted you. I let my guard down. Stupid woman.

I can imagine what you might be feeling but to trust anything that you could ever say now - that would be unjust. Your actions proved all I never thought but everything I would never wish upon anyone. Thank you for opening my eyes to a version of you I did not know existed. 

I hate you.