Closure


For me, I had never really gotten the closure I needed to completely move on from my previous relationships into new relationships with other eligible men who wanted to court me. It is one thing to say to everyone that you are completely "fine" and that you are "okay" with how things went, but to fully be able to move on you have to settle the old demons that haunt you from your previous relationships as you eagerly try to move on with the next chapter in your life. 

We had dated for over 3 years and I guess it was good while it lasted. We met online which in this day and age, isn't and shouldn't be surprising - but I was only 18 when we met. Of course, my brother definitely had a lot of things to say but when he started to call me and ask me how to reply to some of his online messages without sounding like a douche (as he had recently started to date online), I did want to point out to him about him being a hypocrite but I think I was forgiven for being 18 when having met my ex-love at the time through an online dating site.  

Anyway, the way things ended was very sudden which left me shell shocked and very disappointed no matter how many times I tried to put on a brave face. Yes, I was disappointed because I had put in 3 years of my life into a relationship that had finally been cut short in the space of 2 weeks. And I felt that I only had myself to blame. Which is not true but all women think it is their fault. 
He had certain religious beliefs that I didn't meet which definitely played a factor into our demise, but the way he did it was very un-gentleman like which made me question if he had been a gentleman at all during the time we had been together. He came to visit me one weekend and we spent 5 amazing days enjoying the sun, lobster, boardwalk and each other. And at the end of those 5 days, he told me he loved me and I was fulfilled. Hearing him only say it once on the trip was an accomplishment because he would never usually say it at all because he "didn't talk about feelings." Then he left to go back to reality and the real world. Then within a week it all changed. He sent me a text message saying he was "sorry" and that he "didn't want to talk" and me being the person that I am, didn't think much of it until he decided to pick up my phone call after avoiding me for 2 weeks and finally chose to tell me that he had met someone else and that he was really happy.

WTF?!!!

Yes. I was shocked and hurt. And to make matters worse is that he called her his "girlfriend." That was what hurt the most for me because it was a coveted title I thought I had held for so long and no one could take it away from me. But in a few short weeks, this woman had come in and she had to be "unbelievable" and "amazing." You can't beat that in any way especially when the guy you love is the one saying it about someone else. There is just no way that you don't believe it because deep down you know it is true and you wish you were that woman he was claiming. 

Now, had this been the first time it had happened to me then I would have been more hurt...but it wasn't. It had happened earlier last year in 2011 and from someone who I had trusted and was hoping to see very soon. When he told me that he had "met someone" and their personalities were so in "synch", there was no way to contest it. So I did the right thing and deleted him off my Facebook and all message histories. I kept some of the old emails though just to look back on and reflect. To see where I have been and grown up from. It was a wow moment. And even now when I read them sometimes, I laugh at myself and smile. Some of them are just hilarious to read because I was naive and very in love at 16. To be 16 again! *sigh*

Anyway, to say the least...I decided to approach my ex-lover about what had happened because there was a repeating cycle that was going on with my current-suitor(s). They never stayed and nor do they want to commit to me and be in a lasting relationship. Yikes! Anyway, I asked him a series of questions that all women want answers to..."why her and not me?", "what is it about her?", "did I do something?", but as I realised when asking all these questions and he was answering them and trying to be sincere about it all, he sounded so happy and didn't have a bad word to say about me. The happiest he had been in the longest time and it wasn't because of me. As much as I wanted to hate him though, I couldn't. For once, hearing him be that happy made me want that for myself. And that is when I realised I would never get it from him. He was happy and I wanted nothing but the best for him. And this woman had made him a better person so; I had to ask myself, "How could I not wish him and her anything but the best?"

Getting closure from that past demon of mine was the best thing that I have ever done for myself in a long time besides successfully passing all my exams in university and moving onto the next chapter in my life. I had never understood why things had ended or how it had happened so fast... in a matter of weeks... but having spoken to him and had one of the best conversations in our time, I felt safer and lighter in a way. Further into our conversation, he went on to say that, “I want good stuff to happen to you,” and hearing that from him was good and it felt like the moment he was able to let go of the hold he had on me (psychologically and emotionally). From that point, I felt that I could move on with my life and slowly start to re-build the woman I wanted to become. Someone who I would not only appreciate myself, but someone who could and would be appreciated for my worth by someone who thought I deserved the best things life and love had to offer.

So I guess to the point of this whole entry. I recently had a minor incident with a male friend of mine who I have known for more than 5 years. To say the least, things ended not so sweetly on a recent visit which saw him return home earlier that planned – leaving without so much as of an explanation as to what happened between us. This of course made me question my actions in the days we had spent together and as a result, made me question my incapability as a woman to keep a man not only satisfied in-between the sheets but also outside of them. 

As of now though, I will continue my life as per usual in the hope that I get an explanation at some point but if I do not, then our friendship would not only be on the balance, but it will make me ask myself if I want to remain acquaintances or friends with people who I trusted with my most intimate details. 

This will be the last time I quote my ex-lover. I promise. Towards the end of our conversation he said, “I’m over 28 and good stuff started happening to me.” As great as that is, I do not want to wait until I am 28 to have good stuff start happening to me because I would have wasted the early part of my twenties. I don’t want to be a “late-bloomer” in the circle of life because you are what you make your life. Since I am the one responsible for how my life is going to shape out, I have to start making things happen for me because I am worth it and I deserve the best things life has to offer. So for now, I set my challenges and aim to achieve them and 2012 has started on a good note so far despite the incident with my nearest and dearest friend but I do hope that things will work out for the best.

So for now, this is the start of the musings of a twenty-something year old who has a lot of stories I am sure to keep you entertained. My life I love. And I love to laugh.

Thanks for reading!

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