Resolutions
When I started 2012, I thought this year would be the best yet in terms of life, love and all the things in-between. However, the month of January has not yet even finished, yet I am already cursing the year so far.
A friend asked me what I was planning for myself in 2012 and I confessed my resolutions for them on 1/1/2012 at 7:56:11 PM were as follows:
1) Don't be stupid.
2) Cut out the negative people from my life and only let people who have a positive effect on my life in (as I do theirs).
3) Continue to strive for my dreams.
I used the past tense, because as I sit here now and re-evaluate the past days thus far in this month. I feel that a re-evaluation is necessary due to the fact that I have probably and most likely have broken 2 of these "New Year" resolutions already. But since January hasn't concluded yet, I feel that I am quite justified in my revisions and will do just that. Revise.
I fell for a guy. Hard. And I guess the fact that he has been in my life for over five years and still managed to play a role despite the distance was and is still to me, shocking. Especially in this day when people do not and cannot base a chemistry or attraction on anything but physically being in the same place, our friendship and wannabe companionship transcended real-time communication. And we managed to stay friends when people lost touch with each other after high school.
But I was stupid.
I let my heart and my emotions - in the vulnerable state that I was in (having been ditched for another woman by my ex) - fall for one of my closest guy friends which then led on to sex and thus, the demise of that friendship. For now. And always. I say "always" because when the guy walks away from you at the airport, barely gives you a proper farewell ... something is definitely wrong! But what definitely solidifies everything though and puts everything into perspective is when your little sister sends you a still image of her friend's status declaring to the world that she is in BED, watching Jersey Shore with the guy you thought was your guy!! - the same guy who has cut all communication from you, and the same guy who failed to give you a proper farewell at the airport - with little love-heart emoticons .... you know shit has changed.
When people say, don't have sex with friends, it really bothers me because to me, I think that sex with a friend is good. They know you and you know them. There is nothing and should be nothing wrong in taking that friendship to the physical stage. Obviously, you risk getting attached but they are your friend and you should be able to deal with it if it got to that stage. Anyway, I would be thinking along the lines of, "You're my friend. I would never do anything to hurt you. We can walk away from this and still be cool after the sex." That is what I have thought and still think. I say this because I have been in that position where I have had sex with my guy friend. If you are about to judge me though, don't carry on reading because my friends helped me learn about myself and what I enjoy. In my opinion, it is just like when most people masturbate..you can choose to do it by yourself or with someone else. But for me, I don't masturbate but I do like to have sex and when I don't have a boyfriend and am not in a relationship, my friend and I have had no problem having sex. I trust him that much and to be quite honest, I don't feel like it changes our friendship. That being said, it ruined this specific friendship to the point where the girl he is in bed with is not even of legal age to drink in any country around the world.
Considering the situation though now.
Am I surprised? A little. Especially after the last time he did something like this to me. But that was a long time ago and he had apologised profusely that anyone would have forgiven him. I thought that we had moved on from that young and naive state of mind but for some of us, it seems to be a constant bubble we live in. Was I naive? Probably in my reasoning but I didn't realize it at the time. Was I expecting a fairytale ending? No. But I wasn't expecting to be ignored like I was the one who did the bad and hurtful thing. Did I expect us to be friends after this? Yes. Absolutely. But I guess what we should have done was draw up a contract and put everything in clear print because this just feels like a messy and un-dealt with situation. A situation that is going to linger until we bump into each other. And seeing as we have the same mutual friends ... we will eventually bump into each other.
So I guess what it all comes down to is, where do we go from here? I have deleted all access points of communication with him. Our mutual friends are our mutual friends. I have nothing against them. I have no phone number, email addresses, Facebook or any other ways to communicate with him and I hope it stays that way until I am at a point where I can laugh about this in my life. My resolutions though just need to be emphasized more. So they are going in CAPS! Easiest way to remember. I am going to achieve what I want this year and leave those no good people behind. They are all number one goals for this year so there is no room for failure!
1) DON'T BE STUPID.
1) CUT OUT THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE FROM MY LIFE AND ONLY LET PEOPLE WHO HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON MY LIFE IN (as I do theirs).
1) CONTINUE TO STRIVE FOR MY DREAMS.
A friend asked me what I was planning for myself in 2012 and I confessed my resolutions for them on 1/1/2012 at 7:56:11 PM were as follows:
1) Don't be stupid.
2) Cut out the negative people from my life and only let people who have a positive effect on my life in (as I do theirs).
3) Continue to strive for my dreams.
I used the past tense, because as I sit here now and re-evaluate the past days thus far in this month. I feel that a re-evaluation is necessary due to the fact that I have probably and most likely have broken 2 of these "New Year" resolutions already. But since January hasn't concluded yet, I feel that I am quite justified in my revisions and will do just that. Revise.
I fell for a guy. Hard. And I guess the fact that he has been in my life for over five years and still managed to play a role despite the distance was and is still to me, shocking. Especially in this day when people do not and cannot base a chemistry or attraction on anything but physically being in the same place, our friendship and wannabe companionship transcended real-time communication. And we managed to stay friends when people lost touch with each other after high school.
But I was stupid.
I let my heart and my emotions - in the vulnerable state that I was in (having been ditched for another woman by my ex) - fall for one of my closest guy friends which then led on to sex and thus, the demise of that friendship. For now. And always. I say "always" because when the guy walks away from you at the airport, barely gives you a proper farewell ... something is definitely wrong! But what definitely solidifies everything though and puts everything into perspective is when your little sister sends you a still image of her friend's status declaring to the world that she is in BED, watching Jersey Shore with the guy you thought was your guy!! - the same guy who has cut all communication from you, and the same guy who failed to give you a proper farewell at the airport - with little love-heart emoticons .... you know shit has changed.
When people say, don't have sex with friends, it really bothers me because to me, I think that sex with a friend is good. They know you and you know them. There is nothing and should be nothing wrong in taking that friendship to the physical stage. Obviously, you risk getting attached but they are your friend and you should be able to deal with it if it got to that stage. Anyway, I would be thinking along the lines of, "You're my friend. I would never do anything to hurt you. We can walk away from this and still be cool after the sex." That is what I have thought and still think. I say this because I have been in that position where I have had sex with my guy friend. If you are about to judge me though, don't carry on reading because my friends helped me learn about myself and what I enjoy. In my opinion, it is just like when most people masturbate..you can choose to do it by yourself or with someone else. But for me, I don't masturbate but I do like to have sex and when I don't have a boyfriend and am not in a relationship, my friend and I have had no problem having sex. I trust him that much and to be quite honest, I don't feel like it changes our friendship. That being said, it ruined this specific friendship to the point where the girl he is in bed with is not even of legal age to drink in any country around the world.
Considering the situation though now.
Am I surprised? A little. Especially after the last time he did something like this to me. But that was a long time ago and he had apologised profusely that anyone would have forgiven him. I thought that we had moved on from that young and naive state of mind but for some of us, it seems to be a constant bubble we live in. Was I naive? Probably in my reasoning but I didn't realize it at the time. Was I expecting a fairytale ending? No. But I wasn't expecting to be ignored like I was the one who did the bad and hurtful thing. Did I expect us to be friends after this? Yes. Absolutely. But I guess what we should have done was draw up a contract and put everything in clear print because this just feels like a messy and un-dealt with situation. A situation that is going to linger until we bump into each other. And seeing as we have the same mutual friends ... we will eventually bump into each other.
So I guess what it all comes down to is, where do we go from here? I have deleted all access points of communication with him. Our mutual friends are our mutual friends. I have nothing against them. I have no phone number, email addresses, Facebook or any other ways to communicate with him and I hope it stays that way until I am at a point where I can laugh about this in my life. My resolutions though just need to be emphasized more. So they are going in CAPS! Easiest way to remember. I am going to achieve what I want this year and leave those no good people behind. They are all number one goals for this year so there is no room for failure!
1) DON'T BE STUPID.
1) CUT OUT THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE FROM MY LIFE AND ONLY LET PEOPLE WHO HAVE A POSITIVE EFFECT ON MY LIFE IN (as I do theirs).
1) CONTINUE TO STRIVE FOR MY DREAMS.
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