Vermont

To wonder "what if" is something; but then to finally live the "what if" is another totally different something altogether. It is the clincher that settles a magnitude of moments and delivers it in an unmarked package that could hold the denotonation of something beautiful; or the sombre feeling of something other than happiness. An occurrence that leaves you with bated breath; mobility suspended at the core of your being. You hear your heart beating louder than ever; no longer just in your chest. I never quite understood what a soul mate until now. I knew the term and understood the use of the word, but did not know how it felt to have one. I always thought I would know when it happened but when you crept up on me without my realising, I became the unknowing mind. You declared; proclaimed ... shouted from the rooptops more than once. I dismissed - shut it down, because I thought I knew better. How foolish and naïve was I?!

Do not dimiss until you are certain. Because trust when I say the feeling of being dismissed is not an easy feeling to swallow. Especially by your soul mate. It hurts; it burns; it wretches to the core. You try to live through it daily and swallow through the harships of the rough tide. But I guess you only have yourself to blame...right?! Right. And with time, you will realize that time changes everything.

With the foolishness of a young mind, I let myself fall into the pit of uncertainty when the answer was so obvious. Right in front of me. I believe that my mind grows exponentially – its rate unprecedented; however, at that time and space - I froze. I froze and let things be still. My left-brain was logical, analytical, and objective; while my right brain was not intuitive, thoughtful, and subjective. I thought while I did not feel; but in the depths of my soul, you wreaked havoc. Wrecked havoc like no other. How could you speak to my soul when I didn’t understand what I was feeling? How did you know? I was scared and unknowing. I thought I knew everything; when I knew nothing at all besides the copious amounts of information taken in the lectures and the text books I focussed more on because existing was my only key while YOLO’ing was the motto of the season. How could you tell me such things that I didn’t know yet myself? How could you expect me to know what I didn’t comprehend at that time? How could you not see that my foolish mind needed time to grow? I dealt my hand and now I must play it. Now I know that I should have listened closer when  “mcflurried by request”. Dammit!!!

But now it’s too late. Without much thought I ended up on the “Wrong Side of A Love Song” with only myself to blame. I blame myself for not realizing sooner. For not leaping and falling with boundless velocity into the greatest thing that would unequivocally change my life; and yours. Ours. I blame me. But I also blame you. I blame you for existing; not living. I blame you for choosing the "safe haven" of your existence. For deciding that denying yourself of the desire of your heart is better than living with your desire. For choosing the safety of the bosom that is not mine. For choosing a love that is not me. 

And as hours pass, I realize it will never be mine. Time is a healer; proven. But it is also a teller of many truths. And it will never be on my side. It will never be just that – my time.  I listen and watch as events play out. I utter into the silence while yearning for devotion that will never come.That will never be mine. That will be never be true.