Musings by Shar

The more I think, the more I analyze. And the more I analyze, the more I feel. I feel hurt, betrayed, abused and ashamed. In that order.  I am hurt in knowing that you had the ability to be the better person and you didn't. You hurt me, in a way I never thought, and yet all I was deemed worthy of was a text message apology. Even I thought I deserved more; but that is just me.  Betrayed in the lies you knowingly told - declared to my face. And held my hand and heart through.  Abused because I allowed and partook in an orchestrated deluision of the mind. By your words. And lack of actions. Raped by careless actions that I desparately sought to be true.  Ashamed in being her. The other. In turn, I did this to myself. Thank you for showing me the inner truth. Not virtuous but tainted. The pastor preached about the ability to forgive and being able to be loathe. And he said, "You cannot forgive someone, and yet still loathe them at the same time. The abili...

When will I see you again? You left with no goodbye, Not a single word was said, No final kiss to seal any sins, I had no idea of the state we were in, I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head, But don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more, When was the last time you thought of me? Or have you completely erased me from your memory? I often think about where I went wrong, The more I do, the less I know, But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head, But don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more, Gave you the space so you could breathe, I kept my distance so you would be free, And hoped that you'd find the missing piece, To bring you back to me, Why don't you rem...

I just tried calling you and you didn't answer.  I can't say I blame you. I've really fucked up.  She's leaving me and I feel like my world is crumbling right before my feet.  I've hurt her in the most unimaginable way and I wish I could just take it all back.  You're a great girl and you'll make someone happy one day. I just wish I had realized sooner that we were better off as friends and that our infatuation, while amazing, wasn't real love. I had the perfect woman for me and I took her love for granted.  I don't know what's wrong with me and why I hurt the people in my life, including you.  It took 6 years for her to give me a chance and I screwed it all up.  I lied to you and for that I'm sorry.  The truth is I was never going to leave her for you and I shouldn't have led you on. I should have been honest when you kept pressuring me to break up with her -  that I couldn't see myself without her. She...

I read your message too many times to count and I wanted to hit the "reply" button each time because I have so much to say. But I wanted to do it more eloquently, because I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing how much you hurt me. But you did. As a woman scorned, I hate you. I hate the person who orchestrated this whole thing without so much of a thought or a care for the other parties. To ask what you were thinking, I feel would not do so much good because in truth, you fucked up! And the magnitude of it is just too much to comprehend at any given time. I haven't slept since this whole thing started - and that is not a lack for trying. You hurt me in a way that I least of all expected, especially given our history. But I guess I never really knew you.  I  felt for her in that moment. That day changed everything. She had given up her life and her path to be with you. Whatever promises that were made - she did that for you, and you hurt her in the wors...