Chaotic

I was driving the other day and listening to a playlist I had long-ago forgotten I had compiled. And then this song came on and I had to pull-over because it cut so deep. The lyrics, the angst and the wound that this song picked at was so real. Too real. It stirred me emotionally to a point where I had to stop and deal. I had to deal in that moment with the consequences of my actions, and the resulting chaos that ensued as my thoughts ran rampage.

Everyday I remember and I wonder. And I feel. The feeling part is what get's me the most because I am trasported into a moment of utter shock and excruciating pain when I return back to those final moments.  June 16th. I am taken back to that moment when my phone rang, and when I answered, everything changed. In that moment, everything broke in me and broke me. And now I try to hold the pieces and myself in some sort of "togetherness" the best way I know how.

You came in like a "Wrecking Ball" - Miley Cyrus. And you broke me in a way that dismantled my core, and left me in a battered state of mind because I actually never knew how devious of a person you were/are and just how vindictive you could truly be. All I did was care and love you, and at a time that was unclear and uncertain for me; when I asked for a moment of contact before hurtling two souls onto a path of self-discovery, you somehow took the time to manipulate and orchestrate this cataclysmic nightmare because I didn't jump when you asked me to. 

Daily, I wonder ..."why?" - could one answer that? Honestly, that is - if honesty is a word that registers with your being. I still yearn to actually understand the inner workings of your selfish mind because I thought I had seen it all. And then you sucker-punched me. Straight through to my soul - to the part that hurts the most. I hurt daily - but do not let myself faulter until I am alone. Because when I am alone I can let myself feel. I feel it all and then the tears that I had held back for so long - hours, days, weeks - they break through me and shatter my being. They break through and in the moments that follow, my whole self is detached from all else living and in my dark corner I feel it all. 

You came into my life and battered me - heart and soul. You became the reason why after so long of believing you, you did the very thing you told me so many times you were not capable of. You crippled me and in my weakest moment, you didn't rise. You didn't rise - for me. You didn't show up - for me. You didn't do - for me. 

For me - I was not it. Yet you promised me. Swore to me that I was all you ever wanted. All you ever needed. You should have told me six years ago that the tide had changed. 

You despicable cunt!! I hate you!!

You left me ruined and now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm the one dealing with all this shit. 

When she called me and was asking me all those questions and I was trying to defend you - I look in hindsight now and truly wonder ...WTF?! I wanted one of us to be happy - that was the goal but who am I kidding?! You don't deserve her. I am so glad she walked away from your scheming and deceitful lies. You piece of shit! You don't deserve her. Heck, I don't deserve this! You turned out to be that shining knight in armour with a dark soul and a gluteneous-intoxicating core. I hate you, you fucker!! SUCH.A.TOOL. 

Right now I can't forgive. I don't know if I can forgive. You hurt me so - to the point of no redemption. How does one redeem one self from such?