Not So Secret Love Letter

Dear You,

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what exactly is going on with you, but to no avail - I still don't have the answer. I have never tried to understand the inner workings of the male mind, but I thought that for once - just this once - I might be able to understand what exactly is going on. After all, we are all human. And we have feelings. But nothing. 

If I was the friend - the shoulder - who had been listening to me while I try to comprehend everything that has happened in the last few months, I (friend) would be telling me to cut my losses, let it go and move on because you don't deserve me. And I deserve better. But no one can say that, because they don't know what we shared or what we supposedly shared, or what it was like to be in that thing. I have scrutinized emails and conversations once had in the hopes that there was something you said that I could cling on to for a little longer. Something to hold onto during these cold months, to give me hope that not all was and is lost. And while I have combed through the emails and the messages and any sort of information I could find, including staring at that cheesy jackpot picture for prolonged periods, I can't feel hope. Even when I look at the symbolic "S" shaped chain and think back on the the day we got it, and the words you spoke referring to the "double meaning", I still feel no hope - because you have given me nothing. Nothing to keep the embers glowing inside of me. And with this, I write this letter. 

I reflect on the moments we spent together, and the kisses shared and the way our fingers interlocked in a vice-like grip with the unmentioned promise of never letting go. During our first encounter, I wanted to give my whole self to you when you murmured the glorious words of "make love to me". But fear gripped hold of me, because while you were saying all of the things I had for so long waited to hear form you, her stuff was in the closet next to us with the promise of WE that you had made her - despite everything you had told me;and you and I had shared over countless conversations -  you omitted that one detail. 

When the moment came, and when I received that call from your "fiancee", to say I was shaken is an understatement. To this day, I still do not have any words since that summer day in June. I was hurt and felt so sorry for you - because for this to have happened, and for it to have gone on for as long as it had - it was a shame. But I don't blame you entirely. I knew about her and the fact that she was in the picture, but the portrait you painted of her to me was very different to the one you had been painting with her. To say that you were the only one to blame would be me lying of what was. Of what has been.  I am partly to blame for my role in the demise of your relationship - for my actions - whether you misled me or not - I got on the plane and came to you. I could not have got on like the first time around, but I did because I needed to find out if what we had was real. 10 years is a very long time. A very long time to paint a picture of the man I literally grew up with and despite its mistakes in the strokes on the painting called life in that moment, it was still a masterpiece. You were everything I had imagined and my painting was finally complete at the sight of you. 

Despite the disastrous day in June, with the changing months came the changing of the seasons in the weather and my heart. Once the hate was over, it was replaced by remorse, and when that season passed, it was sadness, and when sadness passed, it turned into strength and strength into love and I was right back where I started. I have never said anyone was perfect, and when I look around, life is filled with perfect mistakes. But those mistakes help us see our mortality and the fact that we are human. We are all capable of mistakes! What I do know though is that I don't mistake ever falling in love with you. But the truth of the matter is that, I never fell out of love despite what happened over the course of the past few months. You made a mistake. You shouldn't have lied and tried to balance the both of us, and such, but you are human and you made a mistake. We are all flawed.

When you called me to tell me you had chosen, and it wasn't me - I was numb. That was tough to swallow. But the events that subsequently followed were just as equally numbing.  The harassment from your family was just enough to make my stomach turn. But I didn't cry until much later. When you sent me that awful message of what I like to refer to as a "shitty apology and a trivialization of what we shared", it was like a smack in the face but none the less I was happy and sad for you. If you were going to apologize, I think you at least should do it in a decent way and give me the opportunity to hear it. Not see it. I think that would have meant more to me than a text message. Who does that?!

First, as your friend I was sad for you that who you had chosen and she didn't choose you back when the choice counted the most. You fucked up. Furthermore, I was said because this should never have happened the way it did.

Second, I was happy that she didn't choose you because maybe there was a little hope after-all. Maybe "Hard Rock" could be possible. But, then you also continued in that shitty apology about how in light of everything, she knew you better than I did. WTF?! I have always been an open book. I talked. You didn't. You only shared what you wanted to share so I believe my not "really knowing you" was your fault. But who cares at this point?! I don't!

As for "Hard Rock", well, that moment of hope flittered away as soon as I had begun to hope because while I chose you, and you chose her, she didn't choose you back and you didn't choose me. Whew!! Try saying that out loud! My Vermont seemed so far out of reach in that moment. And in the moments that came.

But despite everything, and laying blame aside, this is my not so secret love letter to you. Because despite everything, I am still in love with you. I love you. I'm so lost and completely in love with you. When all is said and done, (even if you two decided to give it another go) I think that's the sad part, because while I love, my love for you is not returned nor wanted to mean anything more than a fleeting moment. An "awww sweet" moment. My love didn't get the chance to show you just how loving it could and would have been.

Love means giving chances when there are no chances left to give. I love unconditionally, and despite the fuck-ups and bullshit, my love never wavered. Even when you didn't call me when you said you would, or you didn't answer when I called and got stuck talking to your roommate. I am coming to realize and understand that this is my great love, and while it will not be returned, I at least owed it to myself to let you know. This is my not so secret love letter to you. 

It took time to get to this point of calm in my life which I desperately needed in order to see life. To see my life from this moment. We usually never give ourselves time to heal, but no matter what anyone says, time is always a healer. And that is the most important lesson I learned. So, from one human heart to another, take the time to figure out you and what you want because it is your life, and you need to be able to live with yourself and the choices you make. We all learn something from the right ones, but it is in the wrong ones that we learn what we are capable of and who we are. 

You. I wish you nothing but happiness in life. But for now, I have nothing left to write after this letter as this is what I was trying to say for all this time. And I am finally letting it out. You will always have a chance. 

Hard Rock.