"Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future" - Oscar Wilde
Being bitter has never been something I have ever been able to do. I think in life, as you grow up, one has to come into acceptance with what life grants you no matter how difficult it is to understand or how great it is. Without being able to ask "why me?", especially as of recently, I have realized that sometimes, it takes that one moment in your life that allows you to gain a whole different perspective on who you are and what you want to achieve out of life to realize that being bitter is a waste of time.
I haven't been writing recently and I put that down to the transition I have been going through which is all part of the growth process. Relocating back to the big city, starting a new job and settling back into a life that I wasn't sure how it would be has all been chillingly beautiful. I wasn't expecting it to be easy but I wasn't expecting it to go really well either. I guess the more we worry about things, the seamlessly perfect they go...Or did I just jinx it?!
As of recent, I thought I had everything sorted out. I came home with no issues and complications - which I have now made into a cardinal rule when approached by men - "No complications or bullshit issues. I can't and won't do that", and it has been working so well in retrospect. But then I guess, I got twisted into a chaotic mess that really had no business taking place. If people would just keep their phones under lock or better yet, just leave people's belongings well enough alone then no one would never know anything and everything would remain the same. *ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!*
I met a guy...maybe, let's call him a man because he is a tab bit older but definitely under 30, who I had an immediate physical attraction to. We exchanged numbers as people who have a mutual attraction do and started hanging out...at first talking and sharing our common interests in music (which for me is a really big part of my life), and all things experienced. I guess with our common interests, we got a little caught up because our whirlwind chemistry rocked for all of 30 seconds and that was it. But I guess I didn't realize just how crazy those 30 seconds would have been. We attempted to get intimate and for whatever reason that the stars have, it just wasn't meant to be (I don't ask "why" anymore). I had reservations about trying again, and as it so happened, we never got another chance at it and I was inevitably happy with that. Why? I realized that I had just got caught up in a moment, and as much as he wanted to claim me, there was and still something that I didn't feel comfortable with in that notion. To claim me as if I were property. I am still trying to work through that because I would like to know what it is and what it meant. It almost takes me back to when man told woman what to do because she was somehow beneath him. Not a good claim at all.
What happened to him you may ask? He is a sweet guy-man and we still carry on talking about music and life but only sometimes. I realize that those are the friends you want to keep in life. Right? The ones who don't hold anything against you for choosing a different path and never kiss and tell.
Then what? ....you may ask. What happened next in only a few short weeks.
And then there was "bestie". I used to call him my "bestie" because I was trying to replace a dear friend who had broken my heart and trust. But there are just some things that cannot be replaced. *sigh* With "bestie" things changed when he found out something I had skimmed lightly on to preserve what we were creating and working towards. And then I flipped my lid because I didn't see how wrong my actions were in the moments we were together - and now which I only see as something hurtful because I hurt his feelings. During the time I spent with my "bestie", we bonded on everything and anything - instantly. It was more than a physical attraction - it was like we connected on a deeper level that I had never thought possible so instantaneously, especially with someone of the opposite sex with whom I was not physically intimate with. At a time when I had thought that physical attraction was the main way to connect on a deeper level with someone, I was shown that there are other ways people can build that connection that builds the foundation of something to come - something special. He and I shared a connection that has definitely rivaled those of past relationships and some of my good friendships that have taken years to build because he made it so easy to talk to him. But I didn't realize at the time that what I was sharing would be held against me in no time. Maybe I was a little too trusting. And that is something that I will never let happen again.
The demise of our growing friendship came shortly after I was confronted about my past indiscretions, when phones had been sifted through and I guess - in my opinion - when decisions had already started being made. First (as a disclaimer), not sure if you have noticed, but I do tend to use profanity in my writing because for me, that is the best word(s) I can use to describe the situation at that time. I do though have to admit, I try my bestest not to use that kind of language around people who I know don't like it and would prefer to not hear it. I respect that and for that, I tried my best to respect the time we did spend together as a "profanity free zone". That being said, after being confronted and launching a defense when he left after a visit, I could feel that our connection had shifted into a whole different realm. Into a realm where things were left unsaid for fear of exposing the truth or shame, and for a better explanation - just trying to leave stones as they lay. But I hate that. I always feel that if you want to say something, just say it. And despite this being what "I want", people really should think about adopting this way of thinking, because it makes things so much easier in terms of figuring out a way to deal with the situation and to figure out what comes next. Just being open and honest is just how I have tried to live my life since I started this blog because there is no point in trying to lead two lives. One you live by. And the other that only other people see.
After he left, I was frustrated and angry and hurt. Brash comments were made about my past indiscretions and I was called a hoe in the nicest way possible because of my sexual history. I didn't lie to him when he had asked how many partners I had had, but neither did I think that being honest would be used against me as a reason not to be or to pursue anything with me. *shrugs shoulders*. Since then, I did let out my anger and frustration and I cussed him out and told him to get over his "fucking pride" which I do have to say, wasn't one of my finest moments and definitely one that I am not proud of. But it sure felt great! And he didn't take to nicely to that. In my defense, I was angry, frustrated and hurt. In his defense, he was just hurt.
Since that day, I have tried to move on and forget about him as he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me. He did extend the olive branch of friendship, but for me, "I can't be friends" like Trey Songz sang as we crossed that line of something more and we shared something other than friendship on a deeper level. We shared a bond that I didn't think was possible especially after being hurt by someone who I used to call my "best friend". In hindsight though, I am glad that I didn't reveal all there is to me.
So, I guess as I move on I should probably look to the future and hope for something great to happen. But I think that would be too optimistic. Especially right now. Despite my optimistic nature, I think this one is something I can't fix alone. Therefore, I leave it for those to make decisions of what comes next because as one comes to realize in time (thanks to the wise words of Oscar Wilde), "every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future".
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