I never thought it would happen to me.

Cancer. When the doctor told me that she felt a lump in my breast I thought one thing. Cancer. 

It didn't sink in, and it still hasn't. But the reality of just how serious this was hit when I told my mom. To say she was shocked and worried is an understatement. As any mother would for the love of her daughter, she went into full on worry-mode (which is above your head and close to touching the clouds). The severity of what I had told her hadn't fully hit me until she started asking me why I hadn't told her sooner. I had known for all of less than five hours and she wanted to know why I'd not told her as soon as it happened.

 

Why didn't I tell her? I think for the most part because I didn't want her to worry. She is my mommy and I wanted to spare her any sort of unnecessary worry especially if it turned out to be nothing. It could still turn out to be nothing. But now she worries every day about me. 

I've gone for ultrasounds and am still undergoing tests but I guess the full magnitude of this didn't hit me until I was talking to my friend who almost died in a shock flood. He managed to get out of his car as the water was rising and run to safety just to watch his brand new Audi get washed away. Life gets real when death almost knocks at your door because since then, he has taken a whole new perspective on life because he realized that you can be gone in a split-second while you had made all these plans for the next five to ten years. Shit got real for me right there. I was in tears in seconds and at first he thought it was something he had said (which in part it was) but it made me realize just how real my situation is. And I was able to understand how my mommy felt. Scared shitless.

Now, I think about tomorrow. Not really trying to plan for next week or next year just yet because anything can happen. I am trying not to take anything and anyone for granted and it's not that it just took a few lumps in my breasts to make me realize this, but almost losing a friend made me realize that life is to be lived to the utmost high. Enjoying life's great gifts, not worrying about tomorrow and living for now is what made me realize that, as much as you plan for the future, anything can happen between now and the future, so you have to make the most of what you have. 

I still have ongoing tests that I still am undergoing but until I know for certain, then I can only take one step at a time in the right direct. These songs remind me of how life is short and that we re not here forever. Taking that into regard, you have to live life and enjoy it for what it brings - good and bad.

Living. Loving. Laughing.