Musings by Shar

Through many of life's challenges the outcome is always (alteast it should be) the same --> GROWTH. Whether it’s experiencing pain, conflict, fighting, arguments, power struggles etc at the end of it all in order to gain control of oneself there needs to be GROWTH. The reason this is vital in relationships is simple: if something is not progressing, it’s stagnant.   Every person deserves to experience love, intimacy, connection, romance and a fulfilling loving relationship. And often people get lost either looking for this in a relationship or chasing after it in a relationship they want. But a lot of times, choosing to work on ourselves and not focusing on this chase may just be the solution to finding the right relationship. Attraction is in more ways than one directly linked to expansion; the people we are attracted to serve as our mirror, exposing the aspects we chose to deny. In a sense our relationships with others represent our relationship with ourselves.  I...

How can I trust you when all you have ever proved to be successful at was hurting me? As I am getting back you, you always seem to do it better than the last time. I see the fault in myself despite knowing the person you are. Your actions never seize to surprise me, and while I expect them, I always try to give you the benefit of the doubt. Why? Because, for one damn time, I want you to prove me wrong and fight. Fight for me. Fight for us. But i can't event trust you to do that part.

Sitting here thinking about the time - so long ago now - that first time you came to visit. I couldn't believe it was actually happening, let alone that I was your sole designated attendee at that train station that one summer afternoon. Time is fickle like that. You had your reasons for visiting, which I didn't really find out until the end and after your visit. You came to me one-half of a puzzle. The other half in the wings. To say that you had come for me to see you on your big jet plane would be a misconception. Again, it was to your beat. Your drum. Not we. Not us. Just you. But you had someone already waiting in the wings. I am hurt and upset at the fact that we don't talk. We never really talked since that other time. It was more "surface" than deep conversations like before. When I thought you were hearing me during our walk in the promenade, you heard nothing at all. I asked for slow and I got something other and that hurt. Feeling betrayed,...

This is the most important thing that got lost in all the transcriptions of hurt and despair. I forgot how we had come to be known to each other - to be so dear to one another. I missed my best friend and it felt like I had lost a part of me. I tried with all my power to channel the hurt, the betrayal and the confusion into hating and forgetting but it took too much time and all my strength to hate. Having lost our Father's some years ago, that was our fusing bolt. I was there for him as he was there for me. It was like we were kindred in helping each other through this tough journey and it made sense. We made sense. For the longest time we spoke for hours about nothing ... the day's events, the weather, which boy was making me cry and who was the recent interest. It was like he knew me and I knew him. I guess that is what happens when 2 kids from across the street move across the ocean to a place where they now had to call home and grow up into the persons we see before ...

I have been finding myself in a better place than I was. It's been a slow process but with new changes and a new pair of shoes, I have slowly started finding my happy. It's been hard some days but I feel that I am making it through. Routine. I just tell myself I am better off. Faking it until I make it. But when all is said and done, and I am lying in my bed at night, I feel a sense of calm - peace - about things. And then this track happened.  Cici laid it down! And then I thought of you. And yes, the thoughts that I had months ago resurfaced and flooded back. And this one. You played me, like a damn fiddle. I was such a fool for you. Ugh! You lying piece of shit! I can't even.

I've realized that waiting out a losing battle is pointless and I need to take back my life - so to speak. You can't fight for someone who has chosen to completely erase you from their existence because while you're fighting, they are busy living and building their life. I think this track speaks volumes. It speaks me. I don't hate you. But I understand the logic behind the choice. With the return of #BeingMaryJane came the return of a burgeoning soundtrack. Could my life resemble that of an addictive heroine who thought she had it all figured out?! Crazy right!?! I see myself in her. And I see David in you. But, as good as they were, they were just not good enough to be together. Timing. We just never found the perfect time to be. I am letting sleeping dogs ... sleep. It is time. I may sometimes wake up and think of you; or re-read old messages which I should have deleted long ago; or glance at that stupid picture with you and I grinning at our fake jack-pot...

Happy New Year!  It's been a few weeks since the last post but the break was well deserved. I needed some time to just do me and breathe. The breather has been refreshing and has given me the chance I needed to live, feel and start moving again. With everything that I was feeling towards the end of last year, I didn't realize that I was stuck in a very bad place - emotionally and mentally. So I took the time to spend with myself which was a really good thing. Without boring you all with the details, just know that I am in a happier place now. I had to will myself into this state because last year was just an emotional uproar that I didn't know fully how to deal with. But I have a better grasp on my emotions now, and life is good.  I guess when it comes to love ... I am still trying to figure it out. I know what I felt and I know that I have been pretty open when it comes to matters of the heart. If you were wondering if I ever did get my 5 minutes, I am here to te...