Musings by Shar

I miss the times that we almost had. "Almost" being the operative word there. I guess for me right now, as I re-evaluate everything that has happened and the emotional sacrifices that I have made, there are times that even I can't conceal like wishing things had been different. Like when I think about what I could have had with that one guy who I chose to let go. Or the one who cheated and lied to me. Or the one who cheated and still told me about it. Well, there were quite a few - that I can count on one hand - who I could have almost had something with but due to various things like distance, time and not enough commitment and willingness to dedicate myself to that deep-all-encompassing love, it wasn't permissible. Sometimes people have to learn to make the tough choices in life. And the most important thing one learns from those choices is that they don't break you. They only make you stronger to face the bigger challenges ahead. At least, that is what I th...

This song holds so much sentiment and is tied to a once special person in my life. Definitely, when it was sent to me, I do have to admit that I melted in my seat because the song is self-explanatory - girl/guy is going through a tough time, and their person shows up to help them through it all. As much as it was self-explanatory back then, especially coming from the guy who I thought could do no wrong, it has come to take on a different meaning for me over the past few weeks. I used to think that with him, everything would be okay and no matter what happened. I would have him to lean onto and nothing could go wrong. But then he wasn't there and I had to lean on myself, I discovered over time that I was much stronger than I gave myself credit for. And more importantly, I would be able to get through this on my own. "The Worst Part Is Over"  by Claude Kelly conveys the way I have come to feel about myself and how I can get through the tough times without leanin...

  When we are growing up, we are protected as kids by our parents or guardians against life's great struggles. We are taught that everything is going to be okay and all we know is that perfect, simple life. But as grown ups, we learn that our parents were only doing the right thing by us; by letting us live an un-jaded life of what was going to come later on. As we grow up, we realize that life isn't what it was made out to seem... but in a way, we are going to be okay no matter what. We come full circle with what we have been taught as children and accept as adults when we realize that through our struggles - no matter what -  everything is going to be okay. That simple lesson we are taught as children becomes our stronghold and mantra through our adult lives.  And that is the same with love. Love is meant to teach us so much about the person we can be and who we are. We get to learn what love is through the love that we find in an obscure place, a...

If growth demands me to be selfish then I guess that is the bittersweet decision I have to make. I love being in love and can honestly say I have loved more than once and have lost more than once. As a hopeless romantic, life's events made me a cycnic because now when people talk to me about their love lives I seriously have to look at them and question if they actually are listening to themselves. I hear and listen to what they are saying but they don't hear themselves because they try to rationalize everything with an excuse. And I used to be like that. I used to be the girl who after identifying the wrongful doings of my man, I would then find a reason to justify why he behaved like that. It was a long cycle and I would blame myself because I wanted to keep him and make him happy. And then it all finally set into play...I was his person and would have done anything for him. But he wasn't my person nor would he have done just about anything to be with me. After all...

"Accepting everything that's happened with us, understanding what stage of our relationship (in this case, friendship) that we are at, and the willingness to go forward ..." is what someone said to me this evening that I wanted to share. Referring back to a previous blog entry where I mentioned, " I see the hope and the new foundations of our friendship ..."  had a resonating beat in the heart of a love lost. Not revealing who my "Muse" is, I have to thank them for teaching me a lesson and making me believe that not all is lost. For you I write, "A torch I once carried is not lost but buried under the rumble of life's events that led us to this moment. I walked away to give you the opportunity you deserved to open your heart to someone who is more deserving of a love so great that even I can't hold in its encompassing magnitude. Believe me though when I say, while I let you go, it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had...

So today was one of those days. Stressing up to way high *hand above my head and hovering in mid air* about life and the rest of my life, I let someone else tell me what to do (which I don't do very often). I was requested to go to McDonald's and get myself a McFlurry. They had four kinds and since Easter just passed, they still had the Cream Egg McFlurry (that's what I got).Anyway, I let someone else tell me what to do because for just that once, I didn't need to consider the "what if's". Besides this delicious cup of dessert going to my ass, hips and breasts ... I didn't have to concern myself with thinking about anything else. Baring that in mind, when it comes to the rest of my life...especially now, that I am trying to have control over. Why? Because as delicious as this cup is going to be, and despite how trivial of a request it was, if there is one thing I can control, is the rest of my life where I can choose to let people into and...

I have every reason to be happy for those who are my dear friends. Especially when it's come to the point in our friendships and relationships when I tell them that they should consider dating because putting their life on hold is not right. And it's missed opportunities because they are not striking out. At least that is what I think anyway. With our lives rolling in different motions but with the same goal of being happy in mind, I put the needs of others above my own in more situations that I can't count because when it involves friends, you lose all reason to count. And this is just one of them. He deserves to be happy so why not let him be happy? I am not in any position to offer him anything besides friendship because distance and time makes it so damned inconvenient. Absence is meant to make the heart grow fonder but sometimes, it just makes situations difficult. And hard. And this is one of them. And I am sure I can speak for him as well. ...

I've never professed to having the easiest life... which makes me one of the people like most, who see life for what it is and what it gives you. But there is always one thing that remains constant and that will pull you through no matter what the situation is... whether it be a job interview, or whether you are aiming high and people laugh and discourage you. The one thing that remains constant is the grace of God. He makes anything possible and delivers challenges that you can face. Whatever you want to do in life, he is giving you the instruments you need and nudging you in the right direction no matter how hard it seems. Life was never meant to be easy and that is something people have to know and to realize. With perseverance and dedication... you can be successful in whatever you do. You just have to be willing to keep working at it.

Today... Loneliness consumed me. I let myself feel and I discovered that I missed him. A part of me misses the way he used to laugh, the way he used to look at me and the way he used to hold me tight in bed after sex like I was everything. So close. It felt amazing. It wasn't anything specific that led me to think about him. I just happened to be sitting there and something flicked in my memory to a time when I could see the both of us together laughing and holding hands. And then I hated myself for missing him. He never liked to hold my hand in public and I guess I didn't pay attention to the signs. He never wanted to fully acknowledge me as his girlfriend yet we would have dinner with his parents and he would invite me to some family gatherings. He never introduced me as his girlfriend... always by my name. And the one time that his aunt asked him who I was and how long we had been together, it got awkward because for 2.5 years, he hadn't mentioned it to that side of ...

Last night I witnessed a guy chase after a girl who didn't want him. And it was sad to see yet hilarious. The reason why she doesn't want him is because he cheated on her; and clearly she found out and he blamed his indiscretion on a drunken night. I laughed. I laughed because as much as he wanted her back, the fact that he couldn't understand why she wouldn't take him back...therefore, resulting in the chase made it all the more enjoyable. He is an acquaintance and someone who I would carry a conversation with if I were stuck in an elevator with him for 15 floors. Good looking (and he knows it), charming, sense of humour and has impecable style and looks good in a suit. All the requirements for any single female looking for a good hunt. Anyway, so I see him in the club chasing this girl and basically doing everything not to stare at her yet he won't approach her. Taking into consideration that we all happened to be at the same night spot and on a Saturday n...