Today...Loneliness Consumed Me
Today... Loneliness consumed me. I let myself feel and I discovered that I missed him. A part of me misses the way he used to laugh, the way he used to look at me and the way he used to hold me tight in bed after sex like I was everything. So close. It felt amazing.
It wasn't anything specific that led me to think about him. I just happened to be sitting there and something flicked in my memory to a time when I could see the both of us together laughing and holding hands. And then I hated myself for missing him.
He never liked to hold my hand in public and I guess I didn't pay attention to the signs. He never wanted to fully acknowledge me as his girlfriend yet we would have dinner with his parents and he would invite me to some family gatherings. He never introduced me as his girlfriend... always by my name. And the one time that his aunt asked him who I was and how long we had been together, it got awkward because for 2.5 years, he hadn't mentioned it to that side of the family that we had been together. Boy was she surprised!!
The signs were there, but I never paid attention because when he did decide to whisper sweet somethings in my ear, I would go all wobbly at the knees. I was being a typical girl in love.
Sometimes I do miss him. And then I think about him and how he is doing in his new apartment with his new girlfriend and wonder... just wonder what his life is like.
Yes, we had the closure conversations but I can still miss him right...? I am allowed to feel the way I feel after committing 3.5 years of my life to one man right? Or committing more than a friendship to another who showed me his true colours in way that left me more heart broken than the first... right?
I am choosing to be selfish right now and be alone because it is something I have to do. I have to do this for me. I am not dating anyone and I feel a sense of relief because I don't have to meet any one's expectations. While some people are able to move on so quickly, I am just at the point in my life where I need to be alone to figure myself out before I move into a new relationship. Because at the end of the day, I don't want to make someone else pay for his mistakes. They deserve better. And I deserve so much better than being lied to and cheated on.
It wasn't anything specific that led me to think about him. I just happened to be sitting there and something flicked in my memory to a time when I could see the both of us together laughing and holding hands. And then I hated myself for missing him.
He never liked to hold my hand in public and I guess I didn't pay attention to the signs. He never wanted to fully acknowledge me as his girlfriend yet we would have dinner with his parents and he would invite me to some family gatherings. He never introduced me as his girlfriend... always by my name. And the one time that his aunt asked him who I was and how long we had been together, it got awkward because for 2.5 years, he hadn't mentioned it to that side of the family that we had been together. Boy was she surprised!!
The signs were there, but I never paid attention because when he did decide to whisper sweet somethings in my ear, I would go all wobbly at the knees. I was being a typical girl in love.
Sometimes I do miss him. And then I think about him and how he is doing in his new apartment with his new girlfriend and wonder... just wonder what his life is like.
Yes, we had the closure conversations but I can still miss him right...? I am allowed to feel the way I feel after committing 3.5 years of my life to one man right? Or committing more than a friendship to another who showed me his true colours in way that left me more heart broken than the first... right?
I am choosing to be selfish right now and be alone because it is something I have to do. I have to do this for me. I am not dating anyone and I feel a sense of relief because I don't have to meet any one's expectations. While some people are able to move on so quickly, I am just at the point in my life where I need to be alone to figure myself out before I move into a new relationship. Because at the end of the day, I don't want to make someone else pay for his mistakes. They deserve better. And I deserve so much better than being lied to and cheated on.
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