Musings by Shar

Taking a break from this part right now. - xo

Dear You, I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what exactly is going on with you, but to no avail - I still don't have the answer. I have never tried to understand the inner workings of the male mind, but I thought that for once - just this once - I might be able to understand what exactly is going on. After all, we are all human. And we have feelings. But nothing.  If I was the friend - the shoulder - who had been listening to me while I try to comprehend everything that has happened in the last few months, I (friend) would be telling me to cut my losses, let it go and move on because you don't deserve me. And I deserve better. But no one can say that, because they don't know what we shared or what we supposedly shared, or what it was like to be in that thing. I have scrutinized emails and conversations once had in the hopes that there was something you said that I could cling on to for a little longer. Something to hold onto during these co...

I'd give anything just for 5 minutes. 5 minutes. To hear your voice. To hear your smile touch your eyes and your infections laughter. Oh what a sound. To hear you say my name.  The thought has crossed my mind. What it would mean for me to just press dial and hear it ring with the hope that you would answer. That you would know it was me. And every time I have stopped myself for fear of rejection. Again. I've never needed a release as much as I do now. I bare my soul to you and despite everything, I'm so quick to forgive. Why? Because I love intensely. Why? Because you are as true to my heart as you were on February 22, 2014.  To be vulnerable is to be honest and true to one's heart and it's desires.  I love with my whole self. I love with all that I am with the hope that despite the fear of getting hurt, you will not bring hurt to my heart and break what is yours. February 22, 2014. That's the day we came full circle. That's the day you became a...

I gave my heart a long time ago. And it took me the longest time to realize the error of my ways. Denial is the strongest potion against what is true and real; yet, when you spoke the words, I heard you, but I wasn't truly listening. Now, I hear the echo in my memory, like a constant song on replay. If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this moment. This derelict moment.  "If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing; Even if you're scared that it will cause problems; Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground. You say it and you say it loud And then you go from there."  - Mark Sloan, Grey's Anatomy I love you. I've always loved you. And in the darkest hours, I still love you. 

I think when most people look back and reflect on the big changes that affected their lives, they usually think of the happiest moments - like finding love, or giving birth, or an engagement or a wedding. Never so much the bad moments because of the pain suffered - that moulded who they are. Those moments are not thought of much despite being critical. Yet, they are only to make the roster when someone is bathing in their misery - a time that calls for an overload of sadness. The thoughts never make the cut when people thing of the big life-altering moments because they were too painful to face. And while some run away from them, I embrace them because not only did they teach me life lessons, but they have made me into a better person. I feel as I deal with the cards dealt. I am a better person having known you despite what took place between you and I - not Us. Your resilience taught me to never give up on things dear to my heart, and only to give in when I have met a dead stop wi...

As a write this, I hope you come to understand that the only way to set one free is through forgiveness. It took me many sleepless nights as I sifted through everything that happened and basically accepted, dealt and started to heal so that I could move forward. For me, your apology was insulting and hurtful. And most importantly, I felt that you desecrated my safe haven - my escape from all the bullshit and everything that sometimes makes my life unbearable. You used it against me. And lied. Point blank in black font. Or whatever you may want to call it if not lied. Bend the truth even...? For me, I am dealing and as aforementioned, starting to heal. But in order to make sure I am on the right path I needed you to know that I forgive you. I forgive you for what you did and your part in all of this. I too am aware that I played my part, but what you did to me just proved everything I had for so long tried to fight. Ndakakurambira...and then it blew up in my face. I can...

I wonder how someone could do that. To do what you did. But then again, one can never teach an old dog new tricks. I wonder why I thought I could change you. Change the person you had so long shown me to be. I gave you the benefit of the doubt when I should have wiped you clean out of my life. Now I am the one picking up your mess. Mending my bruised heart. Dealing with all the emotional baggage I want answers to questions I replay in my mind - daily. How could you? You snake. A tortured soul that seeks awakening. I soldier on, hoping for that moment. The moment when all things are clear.

Words fail me at a time that I need them the most. So, tonight I will let music speak for me. Lyrics with meaning. Felt deep within me.

I dance to the moonless night; alone yet with exhilaration. I breathe air into my lungs - living each day as best as I can. I move to the beat to drown the sound of my beating heart. In the moments that pass, I feel a bit of myself regain consciousness of who I was before I met you. I cannot take you back, but I can move forward and know that you have created something in me. You unearthed a being I had long forgotten about. Each day is a triumph. I wonder how many days it will take to forget you. Almost never is probably accurate. I blur through it all. As the pain numbs, to move on ... I must forgive. The healing process is close. But closure is at a loss.

I was driving the other day and listening to a playlist I had long-ago forgotten I had compiled. And then this song came on and I had to pull-over because it cut so deep. The lyrics, the angst and the wound that this song picked at was so real. Too real. It stirred me emotionally to a point where I had to stop and deal. I had to deal in that moment with the consequences of my actions, and the resulting chaos that ensued as my thoughts ran rampage. Everyday I remember and I wonder. And I feel. The feeling part is what get's me the most because I am trasported into a moment of utter shock and excruciating pain when I return back to those final moments.  June 16th. I am taken back to that moment when my phone rang, and when I answered, everything changed. In that moment, everything broke in me and broke me. And now I try to hold the pieces and myself in some sort of "togetherness" the best way I know how. You came in like a "Wrecking Ball" - Miley Cyrus. And ...

The more I think, the more I analyze. And the more I analyze, the more I feel. I feel hurt, betrayed, abused and ashamed. In that order.  I am hurt in knowing that you had the ability to be the better person and you didn't. You hurt me, in a way I never thought, and yet all I was deemed worthy of was a text message apology. Even I thought I deserved more; but that is just me.  Betrayed in the lies you knowingly told - declared to my face. And held my hand and heart through.  Abused because I allowed and partook in an orchestrated deluision of the mind. By your words. And lack of actions. Raped by careless actions that I desparately sought to be true.  Ashamed in being her. The other. In turn, I did this to myself. Thank you for showing me the inner truth. Not virtuous but tainted. The pastor preached about the ability to forgive and being able to be loathe. And he said, "You cannot forgive someone, and yet still loathe them at the same time. The abili...

When will I see you again? You left with no goodbye, Not a single word was said, No final kiss to seal any sins, I had no idea of the state we were in, I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head, But don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more, When was the last time you thought of me? Or have you completely erased me from your memory? I often think about where I went wrong, The more I do, the less I know, But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness, And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head, But don't you remember? Don't you remember? The reason you loved me before, Baby, please remember me once more, Gave you the space so you could breathe, I kept my distance so you would be free, And hoped that you'd find the missing piece, To bring you back to me, Why don't you rem...

I just tried calling you and you didn't answer.  I can't say I blame you. I've really fucked up.  She's leaving me and I feel like my world is crumbling right before my feet.  I've hurt her in the most unimaginable way and I wish I could just take it all back.  You're a great girl and you'll make someone happy one day. I just wish I had realized sooner that we were better off as friends and that our infatuation, while amazing, wasn't real love. I had the perfect woman for me and I took her love for granted.  I don't know what's wrong with me and why I hurt the people in my life, including you.  It took 6 years for her to give me a chance and I screwed it all up.  I lied to you and for that I'm sorry.  The truth is I was never going to leave her for you and I shouldn't have led you on. I should have been honest when you kept pressuring me to break up with her -  that I couldn't see myself without her. She...

I read your message too many times to count and I wanted to hit the "reply" button each time because I have so much to say. But I wanted to do it more eloquently, because I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing how much you hurt me. But you did. As a woman scorned, I hate you. I hate the person who orchestrated this whole thing without so much of a thought or a care for the other parties. To ask what you were thinking, I feel would not do so much good because in truth, you fucked up! And the magnitude of it is just too much to comprehend at any given time. I haven't slept since this whole thing started - and that is not a lack for trying. You hurt me in a way that I least of all expected, especially given our history. But I guess I never really knew you.  I  felt for her in that moment. That day changed everything. She had given up her life and her path to be with you. Whatever promises that were made - she did that for you, and you hurt her in the wors...